Steel Workers, Unite!

I've just finished putting my little howlers down for the night. If the previous nights are any indication, this state of sleepiness will not last long. They'll both be up at least three more times through the wee hours of the morning if the pattern continues.

However, I'm pleased that the time I spent reading stories, singing songs and patting their backs has given me a good time to reflect. I realized that I had words inside of me and i didn't want to waste the opportunity to share them. So I write!

Earlier this past semester I received a letter from the extended family member of someone with whom I was in conflict. That letter accused me, among other things, of placing policy above people, predicted that I was destined to live a lonely life void of relationships and stated that I was not only a poor representative of the college but also an example of why people hate Christians. To say this was an attack is an understatement; to try to deny that it didn't hit me pretty hard in some areas would also be pointless.

It has caused several weeks of intense introspection. I have to admit that I am SO GRATEFUL that I was awarded Staff Member of the Year by the students the week before I received the letter - I've now planted that plaque front and center in my line of vision in my office for the times when my insecurities start to get the best of me. During that time of self-examination I have realized that the barbs hit so close to home because I have been struggling with my sense of self for several years.

I never knew that being a mother would require me to say, "No" so many times.

I never understood how much it would hurt to hear your child say, "You've made my heart sad and it makes your heart happy!"

I never recognized how uncontrollable life is until my child squirmed out of my arms and hit her face on the back of a chair, resulting in a massive black and blue bruise on her cheek for a week.

I remember talking to my mom and asking her how she had changed as she grew into adulthood. When she told me that she was shy as a young adult I laughed out loud! The woman whom I know as "Mommy" is anything but shy... she's funny, she's acerbic, she's caring, she's sacraficial, she's talented, she's capable... but she's not SHY. As I was laughing she told me that once she became a parent she realized that no one was going to fight the battle but her and that it wouldn't get done if she didn't step up to the plate. So, she changed. She began to speak up.

Now that I have some similar life experiences, I relate. I don't want to be a mean mom. But sometimes I am. Sometimes I'm way too strict - and sometimes I'm not strict enough.

I feel like there is this steel core forming inside of me. It makes me stand up a little straighter, push a little harder, persist a little longer. I am almost ashamed of this core... but I know that I will not survive if I do not determine to keep it. This life that I'm living will not exist with any definition if I do not struggle to tame it a little, while also trying to balance the ability to let it grow.

So... why would I bother to write about this? Why should you have read this far? What's the takeaway?!

First: Keep the hope. An author I was reading recently, Viktor Frankl, was writing about his experiences in a Nazi concentration camp. He said that one of the signs that prisoners gave when they were in decline was that they would "give up. There he remained, lying in his own excretia, and nothing bothered him anymore." Another writer, Dorothy Sayes, observed that the current young adult generation is apathetic. "The sin of our times is the sin that believes in nothing, cares for nothing, seeks to know nothing, interferes with nothing, enjoys nothing, and remains alive because there is nothing for which it will die."

No matter how buffeted you become... stick to your guns. Invest in life. Even if it's a misunderstood investment, like mine has been! :) Keep hoping (and working!) so that the person you are is one that you want your children to become.

Second: Live your calling TODAY. Not tomorrow or five years from now. Today. I used to think that I would be more... my friend Angie once said something profound to me when I asked her how she felt about getting married. "I always thought I would be taller," she responded. There comes a point where we have to realize that we aren't getting another growth spurt. This is it. If you put your life on pause right now, this second, do you have a sense of deep dissatisfaction or are you saturated with contentment? If you're not where you want to be, get there. Period. I don't always like the person I am but I'm coming to terms with this person inside of me... and if I stay just the way I am today I will still be accomplishing what I am called to do, wearing the hats I need to be wearing, sharing the love and responsibility that I am compelled to share.

Wow! This has turned into a monster missive! Thanks for sticking with it and letting me vent/share what I've been thinking about. Let me know if you agree or disagree. I really want to hear!

And, the obligatory children stories:

Dinner tonight was a random affair... Maggie began to literally claw at the food cabinets and I realized she might be hungry. :) After taking quick stock of the refrigerator, I succumbed to temptation and piled everyone in the car for a quick trip to my food mecca, Taco Bell. On the way I told the girls we were going for burritos. For the rest of the evening I heard Maggie singing to herself, "I's beeto! I's beeto! Ako Beel! Yummmm!' (translation: I'm a burrito! I'm a burrito! Taco Bell! Yum!")

And, from the stories of Mia, volume 3, 652:

Recently Mia and I had a disagreement about when the shower was over. I considered the fact that her hands were pruning to be a sign that it should end. She, however, is not a quitter and was poised for transformation into a mermaid.

Finally I became impatient with the clash of wills and simply turned the water off, leaving the bathroom to collect my temper. From my position on the other side of the door I could hear Mia wailing, all spitfire noise and not much sense.

Until I caught one phrase:

"Please God, turn the water back on!"

If it was important enough to pray about I decided it was important enough for me to back down. I turned the water on for five more minutes and Mia thanked God for the blessing.

In my book, that's a good day.