“Pregnancy is one of three periods in a woman’s life when there seems to be a lowering of ability to cope with the emotional experiences of life. The other two are puberty and menopause.”
These are the totally irritating, yet obscurely comforting words I read in my baby development book this week. It’s funny that it was timed to coincide with this week as well – because in the last few days I’ve gone from actually blissful in attitude to downright desolate. It’s very frustrating to me!
(And, by the way, makes me really want to avoid menopause. Jr. High was a painfully awful experience for me, pregnancy is all about the roller coaster of emotions, and then I imagine adding hot flashes into the picture and I’m afraid I might literally lose my mind or make others want to kill me!)
The funny thing is that I can rationalize exactly what’s happening in my head, but I’m really hard pressed to come out of the funk emotionally. The turning point for me involves some really simple experiences, vexing but simple: not getting enough sleep last night, a very full work day that involved a politically-charged meeting, writing an appeal letter for an insurance claim that was denied, then the common aspects of caring for two little girls who alternate crying and complaining between fits of giggles and cuteness.
By dinner I was exhausted. After dinner I found myself believing that we’re all going to live in a box down by the river, I have nothing of value to offer the world, and there’s no point in continuing this depressing, pointless existence.
Really?!
This is NOT how I feel 99.9% of the days of my life. But it’s how I feel right now! I recognize the ridiculousness... But I have been lacking the will to pull out and back into the sane world. I blame the dang pregnancy hormones!
Then, we put the girls to bed. We prayed together, the I held their hands, listening to the lullaby cd and waiting for them to settle enough to go to sleep.
It was time for me to go and I let go of their hands. Mia’s eyes immediately popped back open.
“Mommy?” she asked in a whisper.
“Yes?”
“Remember that movie we watched today?” I did – we watched the Fox and the Hound together for the first time.
“That lady was very sad because she left the fox she loved in the forest,” Mia said. “That makes me sad, too.”
All of the sudden my pity party was placed on the back burner.
“Mia, that was sad. But it would not happen to you, you know that, right?” I asked her. “Mommy and Daddy will never, ever leave you.” (Willingly, I added in my head.)
“I know,” she said. And then, comforted, her eyes closed and she was asleep.
It’s funny how we learn to fear so early in life. Some of us fear more than others. And sometimes it’s the most important thing in the world to put aside our own fears and extend comfort and safety to someone else. I’m so grateful that I also have a comforter and safety net within my spiritual faith. It works itself out.
Just, Lord, could you please make the stinkin’ hormones go away???
“Be Still and Know that I am God.” ~Psalm 46:10
JJ
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