B-A-N-A-N-A-S

Let me set the scene.

Several weeks ago I found out from a friend that you can put an overripe banana in the freezer for later use. (She’s from South Dakota, maybe that’s why she’s so wise?) The banana thing was astounding news to me. I have a super-yummy banana muffin recipe and the thought of having some bananas on hand to make it whenever instead of having to wait for some to ripen toward decay on my countertop seemed like a smashing idea.

(Note: I am not, nor have I ever been, a master in the kitchen. So much so that a friend who IS an excellent cook once gave me a cook book titled “JJ’s Super Easy Recipe Book” with recipes even I can’t mess up. I have used it almost exclusively since then.)

My banana-freezing didn’t say that her recommendation would result in a loss of self-esteem and a situation that would end in bitter defeat. Maybe she set me up because she’s from South Dakota and they can be conniving up there. Who knows what they do with the 11 and a half months of winter except scheme like Machiavelli?

(Whoops... I just answered my own question. They freeze bananas and scheme.)

Anyway, not knowing what was about to occur, I froze three bananas. They turned brown in the freezer because I just threw them in, complete with peel. After mentioning the earthy color to my mom she told me the bananas would still taste good, they’d just look yucky.

Yucky’s ok. I can do yucky. After all, I once stuck my entire hand up a turkey’s behind while preparing Thanksgiving Dinner. Haven’t done it since, but I did do it once and if I can do that to something that was once living and breathing, I should have no fear of a fruit, right??

(Trimming fat off of meat and skinning cantaloupes are also things that make me squeamish but I do on a regular basis. I’m not a total sissy when it comes to the kitchen. And I also change diapers. That’s tough!)

It’s fair to admit that the sight of those three brown bananas in the freezer was unnerving, but it wasn’t until one fell out and almost caused me to lose a toe that I made a decision to do something about the bananas.

Super-yummy banana muffin recipe, here we come!

I pulled the bananas out of the freezer to thaw. Since it’s so humid I feel like I need gills in order to breathe, I wasn’t bothered that they almost immediately frosted over to a white color. I expected that.

About two hours later I walked by and saw that they’d turned a dark, shimmery brown. Not to be indelicate, but my first thought was that someone had stolen the bananas and laid down three larger-than-average logs of poop.

I had been warned that those bananas would look yucky. I was still interested in making the super-yummy banana muffins. I just wasn’t expecting the visual.

So I, of course, took a picture and uploaded it to facebook and Twitter with the comment: “It’s my very first time using frozen bananas for muffins. I was warned that they turn brown but no one told me that they’d get all shiny and stuff as they thawed. I’m revolted – they look like three grody, shiny turds, don’t they?”

Several friends agreed via the magical world of internet communication that the bananas did, indeed, look like turds and offered advice about future frozen banana adventures. My brother-in-law-in-law (that’s my husband’s sister’s husband’s brother just in case you were wondering) wrote that he laughed out loud in Starbuck’s when he saw the photo, risking the apprehensive stares of other caffeinated cool people who wondered if he was going crazy while eating coffee beans.

I was encouraged by their suggestions and willing to move forward as I waited for the bananas to unthaw completely. I took the girls to gymnastics and swim lessons and came home...
...to three of the blackest, most malevolent, disgusting slugs I’ve ever seen in my life. The skins of the bananas looked like they were hanging loosely from the banana flesh and the thawing process caused banana pee to gather on the paper plate.

So I, of course, took a photo of my morphing bananas and posted it to facebook and Twitter with this comment: “First time freezing ‘nanas. 3 nasties on my countertop. Am I brave enough to turn them into muffins? Eew.”

Then I ate dinner. During dinner my phone buzzed as people commented.

I had no idea that bananas could be so popular! I have had comments from friends from grade school, college, grad school, family members, past Bible Study colleagues, my child’s school director and co-workers!

The comment that made me laugh out loud was the text message from a youth group member turned student turned friend that simply stated: “Tell those bananas who’s boss and smush them up for muffins!”

Another friend had a banana-emergency prescription: “Get ‘em out of that peel ASAP and take out the trash immediately!”

Actually, trash figured quite prominently in many of the suggestions from those who know, love and laugh at me on a regular basis. I’m assuming that easy access to trash is therefore important.

But I don’t have any trash bags at the moment. I’ve been trying to get to Wal-Mart since Sunday for various items but circumstances, mostly called three kids, have kept me from it and now here we are on Wednesday in the middle of a banana CRISIS and I’m out of TRASH BAGS which I apparently need because the banana peels are full of some kind of NUCLEAR CONTAMINATION that makes them go from innocent white frosty to brown turds to black slugs in the space of four hours!!!

Life just isn’t fair, is it?

So I put the kids to bed. Then I came out to the kitchen with every intention of showing those slugs who was boss and smushing them into muffins.

And realized I was going to have to touch them. And put them into the plastic sack of trash on the countertop using my bare hands. And they were sitting in banana pee. And it looked like their skins were going to be floppy and – DEAR GOD WHAT IF THE BANANA FLESH INSIDE WAS BLACK TOO???!!!!!

I couldn’t do it. I tried. I really did. But I couldn’t touch the bananas.

I covered them with another paper plate and dropped them into the plastic sack in a wasteful, cowardly move. And spilled banana pee all over the countertop, floor and my phone.

The bananas won the battle.

But I do not believe that they have won the war. I have so many tips on how to deal with frozen bananas from my commentators that I can now make smoothies and ice cream in addition to super-yummy banana muffins! I will either peel them prior to freezing or, if I keep them in the peel, I will remove them from the peel in the half-thawed turd phase rather than let them progress to the slug stage without intervention. Apparently the banana pee is also one of the benefits of this process, as that makes them extra juicy and tasty.

I wouldn’t know. I don’t have any muffins, just a sack of trash on the countertop.

But I will find out. I will. I will live to see another frozen banana and another day. I FEEL IT IN MY BONES.

(Can anyone tell me if the banana flesh is black, too? I really feel I need to prepare myself for the next go round.)

JJ